There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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