Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
