you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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