Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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