I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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