I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
