her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
