Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize