Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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