did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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