I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
