if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
