I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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