the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize