mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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