Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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