Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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