matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
