Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Found the puke drawer
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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