you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize