I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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