so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
