dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
