I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
