I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
