words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
