4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
