next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
