I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
