I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
