He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
