peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
