dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
