i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
