yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize