new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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