I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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