It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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