is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Farmville is her only friend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
