I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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