I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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