someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize