Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
