Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
