Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
