Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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