I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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