My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
