can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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