nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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