You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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