i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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