I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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