i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
