sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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