I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
