maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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