Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
